Struggles

This post is something I have been putting off, because it is a hard subject to write about. I like having my own little online "journal" it helps me to deal with things so here it goes. We lost our foster girls eight months ago, and the hurt is still fresh. I found a video that S made the other day. It was just of her walking around checking out her tiny hands on the screen. It was pretty adorable. The thing that really got me is I asked her a question, and with that adorable little voice of hers she said, " yes mom, yes momma." My heart ached when I heard her. I miss them so much. The hurt really amplified when a few weeks ago we had a miscarriage. This was no normal pregnancy either. We went through In-vitro, and if you have ever had this procedure done you know how miserable it is. A few days before the surgery I was up to three shots a day. If you know me, you know I do not like needles. This caused a great deal of emotional strain on Joshua and I. He did not enjoy giving the injections and I did not enjoy getting them. I also suffered from hyper-stimulation. This means that you get to much medicine, and you over-produce eggs. I actually had to get extra insurance, because they worried this would happen. I could have ended up hospitalized because of it, but thank goodness it did not go that far (seeing as my internship would start a week later). After weeks of medicine I finally was ready for the surgery. This was a pretty painless process, and I was able to leave about half-hour after the surgery was done. I have a pretty hilarious video of me coming off the anesthesia.

After everything we got 26 eggs. We were so excited. Then day 5 rolled around, and only 3 survived the whole process. That was pretty devastating, but we kept our chins up, and were happy to have any. After my internship was over we went and did our embryo transfer. I found out I was pregnant, and we were over the moon. I have never felt so happy in my life. Then 3 weeks later we lost the baby. Of course Joshua was at drill when it happened so I was alone until he got home. He is definitely my rock, the thing that keeps me going. I am so lucky to have found a man who can make me feel like I am the most important person in the world. I know someday we will get to be parents, but I guess right now is not the time, and that is okay as long as we have each other we have everything.